depression...

i've hit yet another stage of depression..!

i REALLY REALLY REALLY don't wanna be writing this stuff in my blog but i don't know where else to turn to...i don't wanna start blabbing everything to my friends..i mean there's no use..it's all gonna be the same answer, what can they really do besides console me? can they make this stage of sadness go away? the answer's probably not! so i'll just stick to what i do best...keeping it deep down inside and just put on a happy smile when i'm with them...

just a word of advice though...keeping ur shit bottled up isn't really a healthy thing to do..i should follow my own advice shouldn't I? oh well...i guess i'm just a hypocrite...lol!

anyways..down to the real point of depression...

i guess i'm just not happy...it's the same old thing..loneliness...! i wish i could find someone i could converse, joke, hang and just be there..! i want someone that i can just hold til the sunrises and when the sunsets...! is it that hard to find someone? for me YES! for others it may come as easy as riding a bicycle for them!
i hate staying up alone and thinking how would life be if i had someone to share it with right now..i hate the fact i wake up alone without any schedule to meet a loved one...i hate the fact that i have no one to keep me up at night on the telephone...i'm just jealous of what couples get to do! i want that joy of being kept up til the break of dawn...i want what they have ... PERIOD!!!!
i have a friend...he thinks it's not that important to find a girlfriend or a soul mate at his age, he's 18 or 19 can't rmb..anyways..i kind of admire his thinking at times..i mean why bother urself with some skank ass bitch that's gonna use u for money..on the other hand what if u could find that special someone that will make ur life filled with joy and happiness? there are ups and downs to the situation but all i can say from experience is that...trying to find someone u can be with is a great way of learning about life, ppl and the way the world spins! without these learning ur gonna stay in a world of innocence and won't mature to what the modern world thinks...!
anyways back to my story...the fact of being single can be great don't get me wrong..i mean i'm not 'desperate' to find someone, though i may pursue myself as i am cuz i take joy at looking at god's creations...take girls...i love looking at 'special' features eg. eyes, lips, legs, ass, curves, cheeks, skin, hair and grooming..by taking these in to consideration, u can find out alot about a girl and u can appreciate what they r doing to matain this kind of look for the ppl around them to see...i mean it isn't easy waking up 2-3 hrs before work to put on make up, shave/wax etc. this is why when i look at girls, i can look into deep details which makes ppl think i'm a pervert or something...but nevermind that..atleast i know deep down inside that i'm not a perv, it's all good for me!

okay okay i'm going off track abit...

just think to urself for 1 min...this is my life right now...
...work/school, eat, sleep, shit, chill, go back to an empty house...
okay..now u may be thinking...almost everyone has the same life style...*wrong*
how many ppl walk home to an empty fucking house? though there are but not many right? yes..i choose to live alone cuz i like the sense of independancy and all but it would be nice to have someone to call and ask how there day was, what they did, did u miss me? all that jibberish..! am i wrong to say? u may think i'm some kind of idiot cuz it may not make sense to u...but if u put some deep thought into it when ur alone on the bus or train...you'll know what the fuck i mean!

anyways...

loneliness is depressin'...showing ur happy is a fucking mission! end of story!

i just need somewhere to rant all this shit out!

by the way...crying at night all alone doesn't really do anything..i know, i've tried! <-- that's right! i cried...i think it takes a real man to admit that he can shed his tears without fear...any fucker who lies about it, isn't being true and worst of all, it shows insensitivity towards trival matters!

i'm out man..i'm tired and this shit is fucking getting me all vexed up! i'll blog some other fucked up things that's going on in my head next time!
peace!